Why I Dont Miss Dreaming

If my parenting experience was a bottled beverage, it's brand would be "Simply Tired". It may not sound delicious but it's honest, no frills and with or without the pulp depending on the season. I am a working class mother. In the little time I do have away from my 4 year old, I'm piecing together resources to make family life a more seamless experience. I do a different kind of self-discovering from a single and curious young person with CEO dreams, where I figure out what's best for us and would improve my family's prospects. My 20's have been unglamorous by popular standard. I have to consider other people when I act so there's little room for looking agaze into the "what ifs". I don't get to dream and I'm fine with that. 

My father did not get to dream. He served as a marine and attended John Jay College with hopes of being a lawyer. He worked as a correction officer for the NYPD and was fired as a result of what he described as a being targeted by racist supervisors (early 80s). His career descended with out financial support but he could not just flee away from family because of dreams derailed. He didn't blame my mom or feel sorry for himself and worked as a city bus driver for 25 years after that. My dad stayed tight lipped and worked overtime to make sure we were in a better position than he ever could ever be. I am better because of him. He had other mild talents that could've estranged him away from us but that wasn't a thought. He's now retired with properties in his name and getting ready to open a general store in his hometown. He's a hero, and by no means do I devalue his hard work because he "wasted talent". 

Missing Solidarity

Daycare is expensive! I will be honest, when moving to a new area I forgot to consider this amongst the list of qualities to live comfortably with my 3 year old Kylie. I had a vague idea of how much a nice school would cost, but I could house Kylie in her own studio apartment with a month stock of groceries with some of these prices I've found. Do I settle for a mediocre school for now and do damage control when she's home or fork out the extra money? I have to decide. It's decisions like these that make me miss the solidarity that would comfort me as a mother. To just have some one with whom I could confer.

Missing something I never had.

I never had a tribe of people to fall back on when making decisions like these. I was raised with 3 sisters, the youngest and adopted. When I was pregnant I was happy and but harshly prejudged. I was regarded as naive. This was untrue. I felt complex feelings, enthusiasm and concern as any mother would at any age, younger or older. Even after having Kylie I received some gifts on occasion and complements but any glimmer or enthusiasm about my future seemed to dissipate from associates. It wasn't just my sisters judging me, but many non-mothers around me too. At 21 years old I had already experienced school while working and paying rent plus bills in an expensive city (NY). I knew I had the talent and skills to survive on my own and I was always the person encouraging others that they could anything the set out to do! It would have been great to feel support and enthusiasm but I just didn't get that a lot. So I became my own supporter.

The Great Risk + The Best Of Atlanta

I knew at the beginning of 2013 that it would be a year for great risk taking. I wasn't happy with Kylie in NYC at the New Year. I felt like a mother consumed by the huge city that once enticed and raised me. Small details like the attitudes of people when I got on the train with a stroller made me second guess my staying. Kylie's dad was knee-deep in his career. She only saw him in between meetings, shows, recording and appearances. Then my dad retired, taking my mom and closest sister to Virginia. Should I go? I was alone.

Teaching Our Sons How to Respect Women, Early

 A face to face conversation from dad to son could change the route of his son's love and family life. If we catch our sons early we could keep them focused on personifying other people instead of something as fatuous as sexuality. "It is a woman’s responsibility to dress herself in the morning. It is your responsibility to look at her like a human being regardless of what she is wearing." - words I read in a blog post from a dad, Nate Pyle. Little boys should be aware of the way they look at little girls and know that it can either be empowering or belittling. 

Nate had this conversation with his son and I felt sad. Yes it was touching and endearing but I didn't grow somber because he was so thoughtful, carefully explaining that women weren't weaker or to be sexualize, but to be viewed as equal and humanized. I nearly wept for all of the boys that don't have father's to hear this from. Not just father's that are flighty, but emotionally unavailable men that don't undo what society impends on our sons, and effortlessly perpetuate the trend of chauvinism. I realize it's not just the boys who need coaching on how to be men, but the actual men needing coaching on how to actively father.

My list is for the dads who have love for their sons and need guidance on how to be better role models. This is where you can begin: 

5 Realizations About My First Years of Parenting

My childhood home had two medium sized bedrooms and at capacity housed 9 kids and adults. Thank goodness for basements, attics, sleepovers and my teenage siblings who grew into adulthood, getting their own places. I had 3 older sisters, and 4 nieces and nephews all before I thought about conceiving my daughter. I  bottle fed them all. Walked them to school, brushed their hair and even coached my oldest niece through social awkwardness.

I observed my mother toggle between totalitarian and authoritative parenting when dealing with my sister's and I'd imagine myself making those same decisions like, "I would've done that if I was mommy, too". Now for me being a mom of a 3 year old, I have come to realize there was nothing that could have really prepared me for motherhood. No matter how many familiar children I've had relationships with, there is nothing that teaches you like experience. Below are the realizations many will have to discover firsthand after entering the parenting threshold.