A face to face conversation from dad to son could change the route of his son's love and family life. If we catch our sons early we could keep them focused on personifying other people instead of something as fatuous as sexuality. "It is a woman’s responsibility to dress herself in the morning. It is your responsibility to look at her like a human being regardless of what she is wearing." - words I read in a blog post from a dad, Nate Pyle. Little boys should be aware of the way they look at little girls and know that it can either be empowering or belittling.
Nate had this conversation with his son and I felt sad. Yes it was touching and endearing but I didn't grow somber because he was so thoughtful, carefully explaining that women weren't weaker or to be sexualize, but to be viewed as equal and humanized. I nearly wept for all of the boys that don't have father's to hear this from. Not just father's that are flighty, but emotionally unavailable men that don't undo what society impends on our sons, and effortlessly perpetuate the trend of chauvinism. I realize it's not just the boys who need coaching on how to be men, but the actual men needing coaching on how to actively father.
My list is for the dads who have love for their sons and need guidance on how to be better role models. This is where you can begin:
Children learn by example. The world is their stage and you are one of their favorite actors. Whether you like to accept it or not your child is watching you so however you face or evade your imperfections is probably the template they will use in life. If you are in with mom, show affection and reward her for her accomplishments openly. Also point out to your son how important/great she is. Even if you are not together, you can still point out how great she is and significant. You can also thank her in front of him for making it so easy to co-parent. If its a souring relationship ALWAYS take the high road. Over time your young boy will realize that mom needed space and time and dad treated her with dignity. Using dignified terms for women in general is the safest way to speak around an impressionable young person.
Recognize that the popular use of misogyny is wrong.
I am guilty of repeating some terrible rap lyrics but I can't say I'm guilty of relating popular opinions of misogyny to my everyday life. It's almost impossible to avoid it, music will be played and heard by our children. We can all listen along and at the same time say to our kids "I really like that song but we know all women aren't "hoes", don't we? You know this rapper is saying bad things for shock value? That's what some people do for attention." By addressing misogyny as taboo, you challenge your son to listen and question art. He's now thinking about the music and not being influenced by it negatively. The parents are the first influencers. By not addressing it, we give away parental power to the artist. Use your power.
Hold yourself accountable for your actions/reactions. I don't accept excuses like "My teacher made me mad." You make yourself angry, no one else. Of course we are human and if we ever fail to keep our composure in front of people, we should also apologize for losing ourselves. "I'm sorry I have road rage son, I shouldn't have let that driver affect me like this. It's wrong" No one can make us be anything. Let this be reinforced and through example often, and in turn we can hope our children follow suit.
Don't trivialize pornography.
I think the normalizing of pornography contributes to heinous attitudes toward women and the hyper-sexuality of young men and women today. Pornography gives a young person the idea that women are one dimensional and foremost sexual. A person with respect for other human beings does not objectify them openly. I think if your sons are found with nude photos, sexy photos or are being inappropriate online, you should express disappointment. Furthermore, never bond wih your child over chauvinism.
What else might we need to practice to ensure our sons have the best example around to be great men? Did you agree with my points? Please do share.
This is so necessary!! Thank you
ReplyDeleteGlad you like it :)
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