Missing something I never had.
I never had a tribe of people to fall back on when making decisions like these. I was raised with 3 sisters, the youngest and adopted. When I was pregnant I was happy and but harshly prejudged. I was regarded as naive. This was untrue. I felt complex feelings, enthusiasm and concern as any mother would at any age, younger or older. Even after having Kylie I received some gifts on occasion and complements but any glimmer or enthusiasm about my future seemed to dissipate from associates. It wasn't just my sisters judging me, but many non-mothers around me too. At 21 years old I had already experienced school while working and paying rent plus bills in an expensive city (NY). I knew I had the talent and skills to survive on my own and I was always the person encouraging others that they could anything the set out to do! It would have been great to feel support and enthusiasm but I just didn't get that a lot. So I became my own supporter.
Women should be themselves and continue being themselves even if we become wives and/or mother's. My ambition and curiosity hasn't changed. I've realized that the difference between myself and any non-mother is superficial. News and media would have you think that I want to be "taken care of" to substitute for my lack of free motion. This idea is false. I know many non-mothers with my similar discipline who sacrifice for different reasons like education or a career. My sacrifice doesn't seem to be regarded as high, and I wonder why. I read about JK Rowling expressing her doubt as a single mother in her twenties. Her experience is profound, she considered suicide as a way out. When she confided in her doctor about her suicidal feelings, he dismissed her. I'm happy she held strong, even using the british welfare programs to supplement her income. She's now one of the world's most successful author's with her Harry Potter novels published in 65 different languages.
My ideal situation is simple. I work full time and dedicate a few hours a week to something I love and myself, Kylie goes to school and in case I need a hand someone is there to fill in the blank. I couldn't find this for a long while. I found myself working around Kylie's school schedule, working part time hours so I could make every meal and fill in every blank. It seems like this routine deters family, friends, relationships. In someways I prefer this. It's been hard for me to accept help from people along with unsolicited wayward advice. What I would like to see is more examples of solidarity between mothers and non-mothers. If I can't change the attitudes of people, I can only hope that talking about my experience helps someone empathize.
Right now I opt for solitude since I haven't yet found solidarity. I know eventually I will find my tribe. Today we stay closer to Kylie's grandma who has no issue helping her only granddaughter, it's a step closer to my ideal. I plan on using this new found solitude to meditate and remain mentally healthy. Remaining thankful for my daughter, before her I never knew what it felt like to share DNA with anyone, I will always find solace in that.
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