Pregnancy can feel enchanting. I know my daughter's first kick felt like a dream, like love tapped me from the inside and was begging to come out. I knew she wanted to see the world. From day one, I'd try to imagine the details of her face as her cells manifested inside of me, creating what I felt was a mixture of progression in her skin tone and discipline in her eyes. I imagined her feet walking across stages and her right hand balling into a fist against human injustice but it wasn't long before the piss dried on my pregnancy test that uncertainty was planted in my head about my decision to be a mother. "Honey, if you are unsure about what you want to do, we have some other services we'd like you to check out." A nurse at a women's clinic handed me pamphlets about preventing pregnancy and methods of termination 2 minutes after I found out I was with child. I wasn't some irresponsible teenager, just a young woman that certainly lacked health insurance. She spoke like it was her job to make sure I knew my baby and I would be a burden to the state if I didn't have realistic plan.
Through out pregnancy and the first months of being a mom the criticism rolled in like a red carpet. I knew I was a new mom and there was a lot I needed to learn about balance for myself and my baby. I was receptive to few but being steered in so many directions was confusing and deteriorating. I felt like I wasn't in control of things hearing stories and advice from people who never parented under my circumstances. They shared disheartening stories of betrayals and dreams deferred. A lot of these interventions had to do with social status and how I may be hindering myself. In turn, I had low parenting self esteem.
When people suggested to me I had so much "potential" as a single woman, "before having a baby" it ate away at me and affected my peace with my new baby. Instead of totally enjoying my present bundle of joy and beauty, I would ponder. Did I disrupt my future? Then I realized, I don't want to "potentially" be anything that would stop because I've become a mom. So thank goodness I halted whatever was suggested. I now realize self esteem and good parenting go hand in hand.
When I live and learn on my own I am so happy. I am attentive and in control. I have many unique stories after becoming a mom and I've become more resourceful than I've ever been and helped and supported my family. These are wonderful accomplishments. My confidence as a mother transcends on to my daughter and it would be sad to jeopardize this because I'm listening to condescending advice.
It was a hard fight at first to identify my feelings but then I began removing people I felt worked away at my character and begin to see clear. I credit myself for doing independent research about what it means to be a mom today's society. As I read, my experiences make more sense. My identity as a parent is as unique as my DNA so anything anyone can suggest to me about my mothering and potential rolls off my back. The following is my declaration of Self Esteem:
My Declaration of Self Esteem:
There is no one in the world exactly like me. There are actions and parts of people's character that I admire but none who completely add up to who I am. I own everything about myself, including my body, my mind and my dreams. My hopes and fantasies are here to serve me only. I live completely in my own environment and recognize that it is I who sets the trends of my life. I do more than enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment