Let The Hard Work Speak: Updates on My Family, Our Sacrifices and What's Next!

I've always been a problem solver. I scored high on statewide tests, because in my head I could break down questions in a way to eliminate decoys. I can still eye ball a multiple choice question and solve it because I either know the answer or A, B, and D don't make sense. It's never just one way to approach adversity with me and that exactly how I approach this life. The best feeling is being rewarded for my pragmatic approaches and I'm feeling bountiful lately. 

I will fill in some blanks about my family. This blog is about my mothering experience and my daughter's dad is apart of who I am as my mother. He is my rock, my heart, my lion, the BEST. I knew when we met and started speaking deeply that his goal to be a highly influential rapper/artist would take some sacrificing, some learning. We were ready to aim high.

Someone Called Me Ghetto

I was called ghetto in an attempt to demean me. I won't get into the detail of how this came about. It's not important. In fact, the person is not important, but the circumstance stands. It was used to belie my identity. Why do people call each other ghetto?

My earliest recollection of the word's origin was in a history lesson about emigrants in New York. My grade school textbook told me a comprehensive story about how the Irish experienced a great potato famine that caused a bulk of their population to immigrate to America, many to the NYC area. It flowed into details about the tension between the Irish and everyone. They were an unwanted and uninvited guest. They stayed to themselves in communities under economic pressure called ghettos. 

Why I Dont Miss Dreaming

If my parenting experience was a bottled beverage, it's brand would be "Simply Tired". It may not sound delicious but it's honest, no frills and with or without the pulp depending on the season. I am a working class mother. In the little time I do have away from my 4 year old, I'm piecing together resources to make family life a more seamless experience. I do a different kind of self-discovering from a single and curious young person with CEO dreams, where I figure out what's best for us and would improve my family's prospects. My 20's have been unglamorous by popular standard. I have to consider other people when I act so there's little room for looking agaze into the "what ifs". I don't get to dream and I'm fine with that. 

My father did not get to dream. He served as a marine and attended John Jay College with hopes of being a lawyer. He worked as a correction officer for the NYPD and was fired as a result of what he described as a being targeted by racist supervisors (early 80s). His career descended with out financial support but he could not just flee away from family because of dreams derailed. He didn't blame my mom or feel sorry for himself and worked as a city bus driver for 25 years after that. My dad stayed tight lipped and worked overtime to make sure we were in a better position than he ever could ever be. I am better because of him. He had other mild talents that could've estranged him away from us but that wasn't a thought. He's now retired with properties in his name and getting ready to open a general store in his hometown. He's a hero, and by no means do I devalue his hard work because he "wasted talent". 

Self Esteem and Good Parenting Go Hand and Hand

Pregnancy can feel enchanting. I know my daughter's first kick felt like a dream, like love tapped me from the inside and was begging to come out. I knew she wanted to see the world. From day one, I'd try to imagine the details of her face as her cells manifested inside of me, creating what I felt was a mixture of progression in her skin tone and discipline in her eyes. I imagined her feet walking across stages and her right hand balling into a fist against human injustice but it wasn't long before the piss dried on my pregnancy test that uncertainty was planted in my head about my decision to be a mother. "Honey, if you are unsure about what you want to do, we have some other services we'd like you to check out." A nurse at a women's clinic handed me pamphlets about preventing pregnancy and methods of termination 2 minutes after I found out I was with child. I wasn't some irresponsible teenager, just a young woman that certainly lacked health insurance. She spoke like it was her job to make sure I knew my baby and I would be a burden to the state if I didn't have realistic plan. 

Through out pregnancy and the first months of being a mom the criticism rolled in like a red carpet. I knew I was a new mom and there was a lot I needed to learn about balance for myself and my baby. I was receptive to few but being steered in so many directions was confusing and deteriorating. I felt like I wasn't in control of things hearing stories and advice from people who never parented under my circumstances. They shared disheartening stories of betrayals and dreams deferred. A lot of these interventions had to do with social status and how I may be hindering myself. In turn, I had low parenting self esteem. 

Finding My Identity After Becoming a Parent

Who am I now, after becoming a mother? I've been unsure. I can remember who I was before being a mom. Playful and bright, spending tons of time satisfying my curiosity. For a period I became protective over my space, my body and my daughter. Careful not exert energy into frivolous events, conservation got me through the weeks mentally. I've done this weeks and weeks at a time, and time moves along. This doesn't feel like ME. The question I was trying to answer is what is my parenting lifestyle? I've tried working 40 hours a week while Kylie went to school all day and also staying at home, they both have their deficits. Working that hard for other people feels aimless and lowers my sights. When you're at home with your child 24/7, you get consumed with cooking and cleaning. People also assume you "do nothing".

I've been thinking closely about who impacted me as a child, shaping my memories and character. It was a plethora of people responsible for my learning and adjusting. My mom was present but not overly present. The youngest of 4 she raised, she had already been through that rodeo 3 times. When I had time to think and act independently in my youth, I found my identity. Identity is important and I've accepted that my identity as a mom is an evolved version of who I used to be. I am more conservative in my approaches and still radical in my mind. There is something right about wanting to experience more. I no longer feel guilty about making efforts to separate my time with myself and with Kylie, pushing myself to widen my perspective. I feel happier. I am still on the journey toward finding my parenting identity. Since life is the summation of our daily experiences, a little daily effort is all I need.  

 "Life is a series of adjustments' -Pharrell Williams

Kylie Style: Cool Classics

It was a bright cool day in Southern California today, great weather to walk the area of Venice Beach.

Kylie grabbed her new favorite leather jacket and embellished denim shorts and was ready to fly out the door.

I had to top off her look with a fresh white pair of Nike Air Force 1's. These were always my favorite pair of shoes in my youth and when I did afford to get a pair I cherished them until the first crease! Kylie looks so adorable in these little classics. See more pics after the jump!

Daily Affirmation

It is normal for me to feel great about myself. My reactions are naturally positive and my personality is inviting. With all of these qualities, I create my own luck.

Kylie Style: Fun with Hair Chalk

Kylie LOVES the Monster High doll collection by mattel. Her excitement with it has lead to me spending loosely on book bags, notebooks, dolls and now hair color. She loves the dolls for their fashion and their individual hair colors. Her favorite in the series is the aquatic ghoul, Lagoona Blue. She sports blonde hair with blue streaks. My daughter has been asking me to get blue streaks for months now and a friend told me about a safe way to accomplish this look, hair chalk!!

Hair chalk is topical so it is completely safe for her hair. You can watch the video I found on youtube here with instructions on applying the hair chalk. See more of Kylie's final results below.

Why is Breastfeeding Regarded Like Urinating on the Floor in Public?

Last week, mother and girlfriend of Miami Dolphins player Phillip Wheeler was attacked in the comments of her Instagam page for posting a photo of her breastfeeding her newborn. Many came to her defense and the photo sparked a social media discussion. Today I also read about mother in Canada who was issued an apology from Ikea after being called "disgusting" while nursing her crying baby. According to a Canadian newspaper Brea Rehdar, the 24 year old mother made the following statement:

Missing Solidarity

Daycare is expensive! I will be honest, when moving to a new area I forgot to consider this amongst the list of qualities to live comfortably with my 3 year old Kylie. I had a vague idea of how much a nice school would cost, but I could house Kylie in her own studio apartment with a month stock of groceries with some of these prices I've found. Do I settle for a mediocre school for now and do damage control when she's home or fork out the extra money? I have to decide. It's decisions like these that make me miss the solidarity that would comfort me as a mother. To just have some one with whom I could confer.

Missing something I never had.

I never had a tribe of people to fall back on when making decisions like these. I was raised with 3 sisters, the youngest and adopted. When I was pregnant I was happy and but harshly prejudged. I was regarded as naive. This was untrue. I felt complex feelings, enthusiasm and concern as any mother would at any age, younger or older. Even after having Kylie I received some gifts on occasion and complements but any glimmer or enthusiasm about my future seemed to dissipate from associates. It wasn't just my sisters judging me, but many non-mothers around me too. At 21 years old I had already experienced school while working and paying rent plus bills in an expensive city (NY). I knew I had the talent and skills to survive on my own and I was always the person encouraging others that they could anything the set out to do! It would have been great to feel support and enthusiasm but I just didn't get that a lot. So I became my own supporter.